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Aug. 16th, 2010

skinny bitch

I'm such a skinny bitch
skinny skinny skinny

I love that my ex calls me Ally Mcbeal and any other reference to skinny women on television.
He doesn't realize how much of an enabler he is haha

UGH I must admit I hate his guts, but I LOVE his dick and got it for the past 2 days...

NONSTOP HARDCORE SEX FOR HOURS?
Have YOU gotten that lately?
I know in his mind his tactic was....
"I'll fuck her so good she won't desire anyone else" or "I'll be hitting it better than any of the other guys"
I swear he thinks I'm fucking the world when in reality he's the only one I've fucked for over 6 months, but his Bullshit isn't my concern, his dick is.

And his penis is fabulous and the effort he puts in it is overwhelming and I NEEDED it, and now that I've gotten it in every position possible, new techniques on his part and on mine.
I'm done with him.
I had this motherfucker screaming my name, enunciating each syllable,  I put in WORK on his ass. And proud of it.

I laugh now b/c I know how his mind works, he thinks I'm going to be so wrapped up in him now b/c of the sex that I'll spiral back into a semi relationship with him again lol
That I'll once again be his arm candy and that he will once again be the envy of all the fellas b/c I am a HeartBreaker.
lol
However...

I am done with him, I got mine and I'm done.
That man has made me so unbelievably sore I can STILL feel him from YESTERDAY. Today's soreness hasn't even settled in yet.

Needless to say, I've had enough sex for at least 2 months. My libido is GONE, my horny meter is full and a little overworked, it's fuckin done.
Have you ever had intense nonstop sex for days?
Trust me, you'll take a rest.

 

My sexual frustration is finally gone (I broke up with him a month or so ago and have been 'celibate' for a while)and now I can worry about more important things.

But yes, I'm skinny and perfect and my body is looking like perfection lately.
I've let go of so many people,pets,etc that meant so much to me, for the betterment of ... ME!

I realized having so many attachments is holding me back, too many relationships with people that aren't in anyway interested in my interests...
Not very logical to keep them around, sounds heartless yes I know and it is, but it's also TRUE! I love myself more than I love anyone else, and I should. At the end of the day, I'm by myself, I have no one to turn to but me when there's trouble. I'm the only one concerned about my bills, problems, life.
People would rather control and have me conform than be me and I cut those muthafuckas off as well..

This includes family & "friends".
I'll email them I guess (family)

I'm glowing, happy, focused, and I see nothing wrong with this, and why should I?
The rules I make for my own life please me very much... no need to conform to anyone else's...



Aug. 11th, 2010

(no subject)

Lost hella weight.
Feeling great.
I avoid the scale but ALL of my TINY clothes are too big, I'm probably a size 1-2 now but my ass and tits look great.
My ex is a douche NOT EVEN the one I used to write about, but the one I JUST left.

I swear men hate being faithful to me.

Anywhoo, Moving to Vegas, SERIOUSLY this time, there is way more money for me out there.
I realized I LOVE being FREE, no relationships for me. I don't even want children, many things have changed, but I am fuckin happy.

Btw I've been indulging in substances that have been enlightening and making me so fuckin happy.

I don't have an addictive personality and I don't try to coke and other shit they (friends) mess with. It doesn't appeal to me.
I think that's for the best..
I am so fascinated with the "unknown" and its only unknown b/c most people are ignorant to whats going on, now that I've chosen my side, bad things have happened to everyone around me, I feel so protected.

Safe, secure, happy, spiritual, sexual....

ps. I am totally tripping balls right now

Mar. 13th, 2010

(no subject)

 I daydream about Lucifer. 
I meditate now, I'm happier now.
Things are going my way.
The truth has set me free and My Morning Star will be there to guide me.

Jan. 30th, 2010

(no subject)

Better idea of the direction I'm going, positive thoughts and vibes.
I need to start meditating more and open my third eye.
I need a new HD Camcorder so I can really get into my video production/ cinematography lust...

Jan. 16th, 2010

(no subject)

my dear
I am alive
I am better
I am smiling
I am in my own world at all times, it's better there, so I stay.
I never forgot about you, yea... YOU the one that's been reading all my posts, I always wonder who lurks through my thoughts
But I guess I can add that to the list of things I'll never know...

Have you ever had a doctor ask you how many sexual partners you've had and you HONESTLY replied to them?
I could NEVER honestly reply to them because honestly... I don't know.

What's even weirder is that I DO NOT CARE. All the safety precautions are taken, and I usually forget about them not long after, it's become a habit. lol I watch Maury episodes where a teen girl admits to sleeping with over 200 men and I think...

"Who keeps count?" lol

You would NEVER know this by looking at me, I come off as many things, but never a very WILD & SEXUAL gal.
I like the fact that you would never guess this, just like I don't look like I smoke weed, then again people like to think I'm a square. Which is good to me lol


Everything on my person is clean and works well if not BETTER than many other women and never been pregnant. The only time I've ever gotten an STD is at age 18 (just lost my virginity) my BOYFRIEND gave me chlamydia, and tried to blame it on me... the damn bastard...

What's maybe even WEIRDER is that I DO NOT have any problems admitting any of this, I guess I'm finally comfortable with who I am, and all the things that society disapproves of that I tend to indulge in...

Now back to smoking my blunt and making this money, I'm too SEXY to be "good" besides I want a place in the books...

"Well-behaved women seldom make history."  -Laurel Thatcher Ulrich

Dec. 14th, 2009

FUCK

( You are about to view content that may only be appropriate for adults. )

Dec. 10th, 2009

Only once the drugs are done That I feel like dying, I feel like dying





I battle back and forth between two strong desires in my life that would bring me great personal joy but the other would suffer greatly.



eh.


I'm boycotting food, I don't trust myself.
So instead I buy so far...


an ounce and a half of Sweet Jane :D
So I'm chillin.
I'm on the half now. Yea I'm a hippie I can out smoke anybody haha

But I'm a lightweight when it comes to alcohol

smh

Nov. 26th, 2009

Drama & Collarbones

Drama still goin on, not sure how long I'll deal with it.
He's out of the hospital now and the babymama got my number from his phone and texts me stupid shit that I laugh at often, and then forward to him and to his mom.


Not sure if I should go back to being arm candy, which always kept my bills paid and kept me looking and feeling fabulous. Or stick it out with him which would mean a very simple, humble lifestyle, that will involve drama but he truly makes me happy.

eh.
idk.
But I do know I'm back to focusing on me again. No more emotions and shit, that just held me back and made me relapse. My eating habits are weird and you would think it would make me fat, but I'm still skinny and my collarbones show even more now.

Trying to fight the urge to purge my dinner tonight.
I think I will though...for old times sake.

Nov. 22nd, 2009

family drama

Food was DEF. not an interest this week, my babe is back in the hospital due to his rare disease.
He was in TONS of pain and it didn't help that his family was full of gossip and drama and getting on him, it only encouraged his stress.

Pros- His mom, aunts, cousins, siblings all like me and want me in his life as opposed to his crazy ass baby's mama (OMG I know right, drama in BOLD letters with that bitch)

Cons- His baby's mother was there and I SWEAR TO WHATEVER GOD YOU BELIEVE IN she put on a fuckin show, I would help my bf sit up in bed or rub/scratch his back and she would run up and start rubbing him faster or more vigorously. I'm thinking to myself, "This isn't a competition to see who rubs the best wtf?!!"
Ridiculous, desperate tactics to appear as if she cared. The drama and gossip started with my bf's aunt mom,etc approaching me to bitch about the baby mama and all her antics. Then telling me how much they like me and how mature I am. (I'm just glad they don't hate me like they do her!!)

The problem was there were MANY conflicting stories, crazy ass bullshit and I realized who was the source of MOST of it. His cousin.

Fucked up shit right?

I was soooo ready to end the relationship, but I'd never end it all without hearing my bf's side of the story and it all came together then.

His cousin WANTS TO FUCK ME, that's the bare bones of it. He sugar coated it with fairy tale stories and OUR possible future *smh*, how lame his cousin (my bf) is, and a bunch of other shady shit. His cousin has been at the hospital as much as myself but he was also always there when I wandered around, offered to take me home and did so.

When the baby mama started acting ridiculous he dragged me from the room and then started making "suggestions" as he likes to call it. But all his suggestions implied my bf of not caring for me. It was FUCKED UP b/c my bf is lying in that hospital bed telling me how great his cousin is and how loyal,etc.
YET, his cousin is tearing him down and disrespecting him, and also hitting on me. Initially he would say how great I am for my bf just like the rest of the family, but then it changed from me being great for my bf to me being great for HIM. My bf did some things that truly upset me so that didn't help me side with him too much. So I'm vulnerable and sad and his cousin is whispering his "suggestions" in my ear, tells me to LISTEN TO MY GUT, I tell him my gut says LEAVE, my heart says STAY. Then he repeats, "Listen to your GUT".

This was after my bf upset me at the hospital, and his cousin took me home. I stated I needed a drink and he brought a bottle over. The entire time I'm talking about my problems and asking more about my bf b/c I assume he would know being his cousin and all. He acted as if he gave a fuck about my bf but I also felt he was trying to do more. I finally said after subtle advances, "Damn I ain't THAT drunk, back up"
He kept trying to HUG and then licked my neck at one point, SOOO GROSS. Keep in mind I LOVE my neck kissed,licked,etc. But I felt sooo disgusted, slimy, hard tongue, rubbing on me from an overweight, backstabbing asshole.

He talked shit about my man and then said "We should keep this between the two of us". Which made me feel uncomfortable b/c I don't keep anything from him, I am very honest with him. So this incident is no different. I'm loyal to my man, NOT his disgusting, fat cousin who doesn't even care about him.

So, he was out of my apartment soon after that tongue lashing and today I told my boyfriend about EVERYTHING.

I was very reluctant at first because I was afraid of the drama it might cause, thankfully my man is calmer than me about things. I knew I had to tell him even though I was contemplating leaving him. He had to know b/c he doesn't need snakes in his life. I asked him a day before I told him, "Is he your cousin by blood or just a close friend?" He stated they were blood proudly and I left it at that. But when I told him about EVERYTHING his cousin and I talked about, I repeated that question and explained why I asked, because I was HOPING this guy that was plotting behind my man's back was simply a friend he could let go, I was HOPING his own flesh and blood wouldn't do this to him.

I mean I know I look good but DAMN.

Initially I think my bf was reluctant to believe me but when I started quoting phrases his cousin threw at me, his face hardened in a way I had never seen. His nostrils flared and he was looking me in the eyes. He knows when I'm uncomfortable b/c I won't look back, I was looking EVERYWHERE but at him for longer than 2 seconds. And he saw how worried I was. His face then dropped and looked sad, I think another wave of pain was coming and they needed to get him more pain meds. I had finished telling him and apologizing even though I had done nothing wrong. I just couldn't live with myself if in the future my bf, his cousin and myself are all spending time together meanwhile his cousin is trying to snag me for himself. Backstabbing my bf and who knows what else he would do. I just wanted him to keep his eyes open to the snakes.

Just b/c they're blood doesn't mean they care.

My bf hugged me, and wanted me to go home. Keep in mind the whole time I was there if I moved my chair his eyes jumped on me as if to say, "Where you going?!!!" After I told him about his cousin, he wanted me to leave. I think he wanted to cry, he looked so hurt. He curled up in a ball in pain probably emotionally as much as physically now. And told me he loved me.

That was hard to watch and walk away from.

I thought he was upset with me, but sure enough hours later he calls irritated b/c I didn't call to let him know I got home safely, which I did, he was just asleep and didn't get my 4 calls or 2 texts. I'm glad to know he still cares about me, I guess that bad news put him in shock for a while.

To sum it all up, his family loves me, especially his mother. His baby' mother hates me and somehow got my phone number *smh* His cousin's phony cover has been blown, and my man is still in the hospital riding out a painful disease while planning a way to gain custody of his children and keep me close. I have never felt so loved and so sad in all my life. This is a damn soap opera, and I play a lead role. And am getting NO PAY for this shit...

Needless to say, food was not an option this week. My hipbones are really showing themselves. I feel empty. And me being skinny has attracted more men (whether I like it or not) than when I was thick and had even bigger boobs and ass... who woulda thought...

Nov. 13th, 2009

thinspiring girl

Fat

ok so I'll admit I've been avoiding the mirror for some time now even though I've lost so much weight.

stupid me, I took a pic of my full body and of course saw EVERYTHING FLAW there was to see.

Fat hanging off of me, disgusting.

It's funny b/c I just went grocery shopping yesterday, so now I have a kitchen full of food that I won't eat.

And so be it. I have bigger concerns than food anyway, I have lots of water so I think I'm going to fast again, I don't trust myself with eating.
I went over board and now I'm a whale. I refuse to step on the scale, I don't need to become suicidal right now.


Starting now until next friday, no food.
I can manage.

ok MAYBE I can blame some of my girth on my monthly cycle. But I don't really see that as an excuse to be so repulsive.

here I go again

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