- Alt Modeling
- The Dark Side of my mind
- Corset Training
- Rare Illnesses
- Meeting my parents
These are a few of the things affecting my life right now, some are mental, some physical,etc...
I just got two new piercings on my FACE! and I effing love them!!
These piercings have now limited my modeling to Alt modeling, fetish modeling anything where people accept piercings and since I'm short anyway it's cool with me.
My BF is in the hospital and has been since Thursday. He has a very rare illness that affects his breathing and it sucks b/c he already has asthma. I'm afraid the doctors aren't doing all they can. The nurses are back and forth with him diligently but doctors (I met at least 2) hardly listened to the new pains he was experiencing and overall just wanted to stick to the chart. ALSO my Bf is having pains in the sides, his chest, his lungs, he can't even go to the bathroom. He has an existing knee injury that may need surgery, and yet he smiles and tells me he loves me from the hospital bed, making silly faces just to cheer me up.
His children's mother (d.r.a.m.a.) was there when I first came to visit, he told me to lay low b/c he knows how she is, and he knows I won't stand for bullshit so I was expecting her to act a fool. She was surprisingly cooperative and kind, I doubt it was geunine but at least there wasn't a fight. I don't trust her as far as I can kick her though.Me, previously being an escort taught me LOTS about people, and how to read them, and one KEY thing that makes it clear that she is threatened by me is the fact that she kept saying that they were getting MARRIED and tons of other untrue things. Like she felt the need to constantly inform me of where she stood in his life. Now I'll never believe a baby's mama over my man but I did ask him about some of the things she said b/c they FELT true to me...and they were.
Anyways, so his pain is VERY intense and he can barely suppress it like he used to, so I stayed the first night with him. No one in his family did, it was just me and him. I slept in a chair right next to him for fear his life might slip away, I felt that I was a support to him in some way. I left the following morning and his Baby's mama (BM) asked what time I left him, and he told her, "this morning", which caused his sister that stood next to his BM, to laugh in her face. His family was happy at least someone was with him the entire time.
I couldn't fathom leaving his side and I don't give a FUCK about his BM, I'm glad I looked DAMN GOOD when I met her, my little skinny, petite ass was too much of a threat for her. So she felt the need to start rubbing his feet and telling him how great his dick is (in coded terms but I know a dick reference when I hear one) I just smiled at her and acted like I was learning something new..b/c I was...
She talked the ENTIRE TIME and told me all of her business in an attempt to make herself appear amazing and special, I felt so sorry for her when I left. I can't even conjure up anger or irritation, just plain PITY. It was so pathetic to watch and I'm not trying to be funny about this, she clearly had low self esteem and was trying to compensate with LIES and it just made me feel sorry for her.
For the sake of my BF I held my sharp ass tongue and simply tended to his needs and was there by his side, I could give a FUCK how she felt, all she needs to do is go on Rude.com to see our sextape lol, that would REALLY piss her off.
Back to my BF, he admitted to me last night after he asked me to leave the hospital (he wanted to be alone) how much pain he was really in and kept saying, "I just wanna go home..." and started crying, which made me fucking lose it. You have to understand that this was the same man an hour ago that kept telling me that I need to remain positve and giving me valid reasons and how it helps the healing,etc. But when I wasn't there and we were on the phone none of those great words of wisdom came from him, he was reduced to a simple,
"I just wanna go home..."
OMG it hurt me sooooo bad to hear that and all I could do while sobbing like a fucking baby was tell him "I know you do baby.." "I understand.." "I love you..."
I couldn't tell him it would be alright, I couldn't tell him he'd be out of the hospital now, I couldn't tell him a thing b/c I don't know...and that hurt me even more, finding reassuring words was the hardest thing I ever had to do, I didn't realize just how much he meant to me until I was posed with the possiblity of losing him.
I'm gonna fuckin cry again....
I just feel really helpless and useless and I told him if I could take away even half of his pain and endure it I would, I really would. If I could suffer with him just so the load of pain on him isn't as severe I would. I would take it all, I was soooo fucking tempted to cut my forearms last night after talking to him. I punched myself repeatedly b/c of anger and regret and guilt.
He asked me to leave last night and not stay with him.
I was hurt and confused, but I just started pouting b/c I am a spoiled fuckin brat at times, and I caught myself and when he asked what was wrong, he knew.... all I said was, "Nothing's wrong...."
But he knew and proceeded to explain why, he bascially needed to think about lots of problems (his grandfather being taken off of all assistance, b/c he can no longer eat and is basiclaly dying, his grandfather's oldest daughter has power of attorney and decided that he should just starve to death, which fucked my BF up royally) and other things, I felt bad for even throwing my subtle tantrum. I felt like shit, I'm so used to getting my way that when I don't I begin to HATE. And my BF knows that and still said "I love you" and made stupid faces just to make me feel better.
So yea, I felt like shit.
I cried last night like he had passed away, I screamed to the sky that if there really was a man upstairs that he needs to help my bf, my bf believes in him and goes to church so if he fuckin exists he better makes sure that one of the few loving, caring, considerate men left in this world, lives to care for his children and enjoy his young life.
I screamed and cried that praying was bullshit b/c it doesn't work.
I started puching everything near me, and there were scissors lying right next to me that I kept looking back at. I puched myself so fuckin hard that it made me double over. Then I looked at the scissors. I picked up a sharp object and started stabbing things, wanting to hurt someone. I NEEDED someone to feel pain other than my BF, I was hoping the rapist next door decided he wanted me next, I was so ready to kill.
And those scissors were calling me. My forearms looked so beautiful and tiny, I wanted to see my blood, I needed to suffer in some way b/c I couldn't bear the thought of only him being in pain. I wanted to suffer with him. But I know how disappointed in me he would be if I hurt myself, I admitted to him how I "Punish" myself in the past with starvation and other things. I couldn't bear his disappointment in me though, that would be the worst.
I didn't cut and in a way I regret it, I felt like vomiting but nothing would come up, I became hysterical for a moment and forced myself to sit down. I remembered, he told me he needed me to "Be strong for him." so I stopped crying and forced myself to focus on my computer, I desperately needed a distraction from reality.
But there still lies a desire to suffer with him, the Dark side of my mind feels I need to suffer in some way, I have already cut out food from my priorities list. Which he won't like, but he has bigger things to worry about now. I need to feel empty, literally, my heart feels very drained and empty right now. So my body should be the same. I felt happier when I was a skinny rail with tits and ass, I know he liked that look a lot but won't admit it. Having nothing but water in your system really makes sex WET :) I put on 10lbs after my fast,but I'm still small...however I need to lose 13 pounds to be satisfied. And losing weight is another great distraction for myself.
In unrelated news.
I got an Instant message from this random guy that said he loves my photos and that they are hypnotizing and would pay for a custom set of images. (This is my fetish lifestyle) He's into hands and hypnotizing,he offered to pay for my manicure, he likes spoiled brat pics with me flicking him off and laughing at him. Very cheesy in a way, very simple as well. He kept asking, "How do I pay you?!", "I wanna send you money!!"
So in about 20 mins I got $100.
Needless to say, I have a fresh manicure and haven't even taken the pics yet, he told me to take my time and how much he worshipped me etc....
Still don't know who he is and really don't care.
My BF just laughed when he saw I was telling the truth.
I haven't even taken the pics yet.
They'll be available eventually.
In reference to shape and size which is why I started this journal in the first place, I'm really obsessed with having an hour glass shape and my obliques refuse to cooperate with me. So I will soon begin corset training, I did something similar to that when I was younger, where I would wrap an ace bandage around my waist and at the end of the week there was a difference in size, so I see nothing wrong with corsets. I'm doing my research so I do everything properly so this should be good.
Did I mention my Bf randomly said he wanted to meet my parents while at the hospital?
So that made my heart jump for a moment....
I need to get him out of that damn hospital so he can meet my freakin parents....
That was the best damn news I got all weekend...
And yes, he's still in there :(