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Nov. 11th, 2009

:)

I have been eating the WRONG foods lol

And still losing weight.

Weird.

I'm so distracted with TOO DAMN MUCH on my plate that I don't get hungry until I try to relax. Then it's off to the nearest restaurant for a quick bite (I walk all the way there and back ) then back home.

I'm amused at how men treat me now.
They were always into me b/c I was thick and had HUGE boobs.
Now I'm slender with big boobs (not huge anymore but still in the top 10 :D) toned slim thighs w/ a gap in between (FINALLY), nice size booty not too big not too small and a tiny ass waist.
Add in my tiny frame of 5'2" and they see perfection lol
I always hear men say they love a bigger woman and how thickness is so good, YET now that I'm skinny those words mean nothing to them. They tell me that skinny women have fat pussies lol and other tales...
I think they were trying to get me to admit the size of my vagina smh

My boyfriend, YES we're STILL together (so glad we worked it out, I don't handle drama well) mentioned that silly tale to me as well, and simply wiped his brow, chuckled and ...you can guess what happened next...

good times...


I'm glad I found the time to update this journal.
I still have my battles, but sometimes I can't put the pain into words, I'm sure you understand

Nov. 5th, 2009

(no subject)

my throat is sore, taste like bile

I binged today, to avoid crying too hard...

Letting go is soooo much easier said than done, lack of communication has lead to this, among other things...

Tomorrow we'll decide if we want to work things out or call it quits and just be friends, either way this is a bad situation... weird right?


Apart of me feels I deserve more, another part of me feels I have everything I need in him....



and my throat is still sore...

It showed my feelings on this situation though... made me wanna vomit....

Nov. 3rd, 2009

(no subject)

My weight fluctuates between 130 - 138

I can live with that, for now. I have bigger fish to fry.


I FINALLY moved into my new home which I LOVE. I'm breaking up with my boyfriend, he just doesn't know it. I HATE liars.

Sooooo fuck him.

and ummm

Everything else is peachy, love ya gals

Oct. 27th, 2009

much to do

I'm skinny,  yea yea yea

I admitted to my man OFFICIALLY finally, that sex is SO MUCH BETTER on an empty stomach.

As mentioned before he's just happy to see me eat so that subject came up...again.
And I told him how great sex feels, how....lubricated it all becomes haha
He made an understanding face and smirked, then INSISTED I still eat....

I do. Sometimes.

I purposely bought ingredients for meals, meaning flour, baking powder... ingredients that require me to cook. And since I've been cooking since I could reach the stove, I tend to become lazy about it if I'm not cooking for others. I don't mind making meals for loved ones but I get SUPER lazy if it's just me that needs to eat.
I've missed meals due to laziness or distractions...

Did I mention I have ADHD?
And YES I really do!
Can you tell?
My mom has ADD as well and my bro & sis.
So it runs in the family, which explains why I have a hard time focusing on tasks, including cooking.

 
I have to really focus and being on my pc all day doesn't help my productivity even though its how I make money.
I blame it on the internet and the endless supply of distractions it supplies.
I can say that I learn something new everyday so I can at least say that lol


Love ya gals
Sorry for updating so rarely lately, been busy in my own little world as usual forgive me.
 


Oct. 19th, 2009

empty

*WEIGHT UPDATE* 134lbs
I weighed this much when I was 12 yrs old running track, I RECENTLY weighed this much after a 15 day water fast, and I gained 10+ lbs back from that fast as expected. But I'm INVOLUNTARILY back down. I've been avoiding my scale since I gained back the expected weight. I began binging  on fast food due to unrelated stress, YET I began losing weight... Weird



For the past week I have religiously eaten a bag of cheetos and nothing more.

And somewhere in my looney mind, I am eating an entire meal.
I have a cold now and am recovering quite quickly considering the fact that I've starved a few days and other days I had chips.

Noticing bones and paying them no mind until he holds me or I lay on my arm and have no choice but to notice them.
He won't admit it but I know he loves it when I'm this tiny, I become SO submissive in bed, he controls EVERYTHING. He refers to himself as 'Daddy' when I am this way. It is so fuckin sexy to me, you'd have to hear him say it lol

(I swear he's gonna get me pregnant, and I have no idea what I would do now if I found out I was, then again my cycle is too freakin irregular so I may not be able to.)

Feeling empty even though things are getting better.
Feeling empty the way I desire.

Don't you just LOVE that empty feeling. I can use the 'I'm sick' excuse,if asked why I'm not eating. My mom brought it upon herself to send me a giftcard to the fuckin grocery store!! I'll be getting it tomorrow in the mail.

She's DETERMINED to make me eat!! I'll oblige and buy healthy ingredients so I cook more, it will make my babe happy. He's happy if I eat ANYTHING! Fast food entering my mouth makes him smile. His only comment is, "I'm just glad you're EATING!"

At least he cares enough to bother me about it. He'll hold me close, look me in the eye and say, "Eat this *insert food item*, can you do that for me?"

I hate him sometimes lol I always end up eating, in a way I'm happy to eat knowing that it makes him happy. Is that weird?
How many men cheer when their gf/wife/etc. eats?
I'll take any love and encouragement I can get from him, b/c I know that one meal is more than likely the only thing I've eaten all day anyway, so either way I'm cool.

(purging scares me too much now, even when I cough my whole body shakes, I can feel my heart so easy,etc. basically I'm so damn skinny I'm acknowledging my organs, I'm afraid if I purge I'll have a heart attack or something or the sort, which is possible)

Anyway,

My tummy caves in, beneath my ribs, yet I still think I could lose a few.

I may have a disorder (sarcasm).

My cheeks are caving in the way I like em.
My cold is fading away so quickly...

I feel so empty, yet my future looks bright.

Oct. 7th, 2009

Sexy Skinny ass BITCH!

Food is an accessory.
An accessory that I choose not to wear b/c I think it will fuck up my outfit.


I'm ignoring the protests and fasting again, I'm even more beautiful the smaller I am.

Oct. 6th, 2009

Shit.

  • Piercings
  • Alt Modeling
  • The  Dark Side of my mind
  • Emptiness
  • Cutting
  • Confusion
  • Fear
  • Death
  • Gluttony
  • Starvation
  • Reality
  • Manicures
  • Fetishes
  • Sex
  • Celibacy
  • Corset Training
  • Photography
  • Weed
  • Walking
  • Hospitals
  • Rare Illnesses
  • Meeting my parents



These are a few of the things affecting my life right now, some are mental, some physical,etc...


I just got two new piercings on my FACE! and I effing love them!!
These piercings have now limited my modeling to Alt modeling, fetish modeling anything where people accept piercings and since I'm short anyway it's cool with me.
My BF is in the hospital and has been since Thursday. He has a very rare illness that affects his breathing and it sucks b/c he already has asthma. I'm afraid the doctors aren't doing all they can. The nurses are back and forth with him diligently but doctors (I met at least 2) hardly listened to the new pains he was experiencing and overall just wanted to stick to the chart. ALSO my Bf is having pains in the sides, his chest, his lungs, he can't even go to the bathroom. He has an existing knee injury that may need surgery, and yet he smiles and tells me he loves me from the hospital bed, making silly faces just to cheer me up.

His children's mother (d.r.a.m.a.) was there when I first came to visit, he told me to lay low b/c he knows how she is, and he knows I won't stand for bullshit so I was expecting her to act a fool. She was surprisingly cooperative and kind, I doubt it was geunine but at least there wasn't a fight. I don't trust her as far as I can kick her though.Me, previously being an escort taught me  LOTS about people, and how to read them, and one KEY thing that makes it clear that she is threatened by me is the fact that she kept saying that they were getting MARRIED and tons of other untrue things. Like she felt the need to constantly inform me of where she stood in his life. Now I'll never believe a baby's mama over my man but I did ask him about some of the things she said b/c they FELT true to me...and they were.

 

Anyways, so his pain is VERY intense and he can barely suppress it like he used to, so I stayed the first night with him. No one in his family did, it was just me and him. I slept in a chair right next to him for fear his life might slip away, I felt that I was a support to him in some way. I left the following morning and his Baby's mama (BM) asked what time I left him, and he told her, "this morning", which caused his sister that stood next to his BM, to laugh in her face. His family was happy at least someone was with him the entire time.
I couldn't fathom leaving his side and I don't give a FUCK about his BM, I'm glad I looked DAMN GOOD when I met her, my little skinny, petite ass was too much of a threat for her. So she felt the need to start rubbing his feet and telling him how great his dick is (in coded terms but I know a dick reference when I hear one) I just smiled at her and acted like I was learning something new..b/c I was...

She talked the ENTIRE TIME and told me all of her business in an attempt to make herself appear amazing and special, I felt so sorry for her when I left. I can't even conjure up anger or irritation, just plain PITY. It was so pathetic to watch and I'm not trying to be funny about this, she clearly had low self esteem and was trying to compensate with LIES and it just made me feel sorry for her.

For the sake of my BF I held my sharp ass tongue and simply tended to his needs and was there by his side, I could give a FUCK how she felt, all she needs to do is go on Rude.com to see our sextape lol, that would REALLY piss her off.

Back to my BF, he admitted to me last night after he asked me to leave the hospital (he wanted to be alone) how much pain he was really in and kept saying, "I just wanna go home..." and started crying, which made me fucking lose it. You have to understand that this was the same man an hour ago that kept telling me that I need to remain positve and giving me valid reasons and how it helps the healing,etc. But when I wasn't there and we were on the phone none of those great words of wisdom came from him, he was reduced to a simple,
 

"I just wanna go home..."

OMG it hurt me sooooo bad to hear that and all I could do while sobbing like a fucking baby was tell him "I know you do baby.." "I understand.." "I love you..."

I couldn't tell him it would be alright, I couldn't tell him he'd be out of the hospital now, I couldn't tell him a thing b/c I don't know...and that hurt me even more, finding reassuring words was the hardest thing I ever had to do, I didn't realize just how much he meant to me until I was posed with the possiblity of losing him.

I'm gonna fuckin cry again....

--------

I just feel really helpless and useless and I told him if I could take away even half of his pain and endure it I would, I really would. If I could suffer with him just so the load of pain on him isn't as severe I would. I would take it all, I was soooo fucking tempted to cut my forearms last night after talking to him. I punched myself repeatedly b/c of anger and regret and guilt. 
He asked me to leave last night and not stay with him.

I was hurt and confused, but I just started pouting b/c I am a spoiled fuckin brat at times, and I caught myself and when he asked what was wrong, he knew.... all I said was, "Nothing's wrong...."
But he knew and proceeded to explain why, he bascially needed to think about lots of problems (his grandfather being taken off of all assistance, b/c he can no longer eat and is basiclaly dying, his grandfather's oldest daughter has power of attorney and decided that he should just starve to death, which fucked my BF  up royally) and other things, I felt bad for even throwing my subtle tantrum. I felt like shit, I'm so used to getting my way that when I don't I begin to HATE. And my BF knows that and still said "I love you" and made stupid faces just to make me feel better. 
 

So yea, I felt like shit.

I cried last night like he had passed away, I screamed to the sky that if there really was a man upstairs that he needs to help my bf, my bf believes in him and goes to church so if he fuckin exists he better makes sure that one of the few loving, caring, considerate men left in this world, lives to care for his children and enjoy his young life.

I screamed and cried that praying was bullshit b/c it doesn't work. 
I started puching everything near me, and there were scissors lying right next to me that I kept looking back at. I puched myself so fuckin hard that it made me double over. Then I looked at the scissors. I picked up a sharp object and started stabbing things, wanting to hurt someone. I NEEDED someone to feel pain other than my BF, I was hoping the rapist next door decided he wanted me next, I was so ready to kill.

And those scissors were calling me. My forearms looked so beautiful and tiny, I wanted to see my blood, I needed to suffer in some way b/c I couldn't bear the thought of only him being in pain. I wanted to suffer with him. But I know how disappointed in me he would be if I hurt myself, I admitted to him how I "Punish" myself in the past with starvation and other things. I couldn't bear his disappointment in me though, that would be the worst.

I didn't cut and in a way I regret it, I felt like vomiting but nothing would come up, I became hysterical for a moment and forced myself to sit down. I remembered, he told me he needed me to "Be strong for him." so I stopped crying and forced myself to focus on my computer, I desperately needed a distraction from reality.

But there still lies a desire to suffer with him, the Dark side of my mind feels I need to suffer in some way, I have already cut out food from my priorities list. Which he won't like, but he has bigger things to worry about now. I need to feel empty, literally, my heart feels very drained and empty right now. So my body should be the same. I felt happier when I was a skinny rail with tits and ass, I know he liked that look a lot but won't admit it. Having nothing but water in your system really makes sex WET :)  I put on 10lbs after my fast,but I'm still small...however I need to lose 13 pounds to be satisfied. And losing weight is another great distraction for myself.


In unrelated news.
I got an Instant message from this random guy that said he loves my photos and that they are hypnotizing and would pay for a custom set of images. (This is my fetish lifestyle) He's into hands and hypnotizing,he offered to pay for my manicure, he likes spoiled brat pics with me flicking him off and laughing at him. Very cheesy in a way, very simple as well. He kept asking, "How do I pay you?!",  "I wanna send you money!!"

So in about 20 mins I got $100.

Needless to say, I have a fresh manicure and haven't even taken the pics yet, he told me to take my time and how much he worshipped me etc....
Still don't know who he is and really don't care.
My BF just laughed when he saw I was telling the truth.

I haven't even taken the pics yet.

They'll be available eventually.

In reference to shape and size which is why I started this journal in the first place, I'm really obsessed with having an hour glass shape and my obliques refuse to cooperate with me. So I will soon begin corset training, I did something similar to that when I was younger, where I would wrap an ace bandage around my waist and at the end of the week there was a difference in size, so I see nothing wrong with corsets. I'm doing my research so I do everything properly so this should be good.

Did I mention my Bf randomly said he wanted to meet my parents while at the hospital?
So that made my heart jump for a moment....

I need to get him out of that damn hospital so he can meet my freakin parents....


That was the best damn news I got all weekend...

And yes, he's still in there :(
Tags:

Sep. 28th, 2009

Go with what you know!

Is it strange that I want to fast again?
I can't trust myself with food.
So I'm going back to what made me content.
My unreasonable and uncontrollable desire to eat massive amounts of salts is simply disgusting.

I'll consume nothing but water unless I get hungry and then I will eat fruit. I just can't give myself the freedom to eat too often b/c then I cave into my cravings of salt and now my face is bloated and I fear all my hard work is gone. I know it's not and it's just my body holding onto all the water it can.

I'm trying sooooo hard not to purge but I feel my body trying to do it on it's own. I have been stressing so bad about my own situations that food became a temporary solution and I couldn't believe myself.
I'm upset with myself but I can't beat myself up too much or it will just start the cycle all over again with me. So I'm not going to eat for a while and get back to my goals. I thought I was losing someone important to me, and it scared me so bad my heart hurt. Never thought I would feel like that.So I started eating like a maniac.

I'm thinking of so many reasons as to why I ate, but the bottom line is I was being  disgusting and now I feel disgusting.
But I can fix it.

Currently my body says it wants to puke,I can taste all my sinful consumption rising, so I feel its a justified purge. That I don't even have to induce.
 

Sep. 25th, 2009

Reality

I looked into myself.
Asked myself some questions.
And realized my decision to move to Vegas,is me simply running away from my problems.
Idk why I had the mind set that being in a different setting would  guarantee a better life.
Just like me thinking that when I got skinny life would be better.
I'm the size I was when I was 12 years old now except with tits and more curves. So I'm skinny and sexy and of course surrounded with life's problems.
But I'm glad I talked to my bf about it and admitted to him that I was just trying to avoid my problems.

I don't expect sympathy.
I'm glad I woke up before I found myself across country, without my close friends to run to in case of danger.
I'm not financially ready for this, so I need to relax.
My bf has my puppy, so I can still go see both of my favorite men.
My bf's sons LOVE my puppy and I'm glad to know he has plenty of people around  to play with.
They say he's THEIR dog now lol
I would never take him away from them, they're cute as hell and they're kids, you never take a puppy from a child, that's just cruel lol
I will buckle down and improve myself.
I feel better now.
My fast really cleansed me fully.
And my bf helped me put things into perspective, made me eat some food :(  and then FTSOOF (Fucked The Shit Out Of Me) we were supposed to have a Quickie, but he never does lol, a quickie for us is 15 hardcore minutes lol,  I was screaming  so loud all my neighbors turned down their tvs and radios...I KNOW they were listening lol so I made sure to make the finale memorable :)

5 orgasms later, I am happy and sleepy. Good night

Broke my Fast

I broke it after 15 days.
Not b/c I was hungry per se.
But b/c the current stress I am under has had me break out all over my chest in something NOT acne.
Made me almost pass the fuck out simply standing in my bathroom mirror.
I avoided countless panic attacks stemming from, an unexpected knock at my door, moving plans, daily worry, and many other things that really shouldn't cause you're heart to beat out of your chest.
So I needed food to help me out...did I mention I had to give away my puppy b/c I am now allergic to him? ...yea...STRESS

 I can feel my heart beat harder than I've ever been able to, I've gotten so damn skinny.
I've reached my limit I think, I hate my body and I KNOW I've lost over 30 lbs so far. People have told me they would kill for my body, why do those words mean nothing to me?

Probably b/c I have bigger problems to worry about besides some random ppl wanting my shape. Why should I care? I want to ensure a future for myself. I want to make sure I have enough money to feed my damn self and have a roof over my head.
Moving to Vegas I feel is a good choice as far as money is concerned.
And it's cheap so I can afford a lot and build. I just need to get out there.

 

Forgive me for my absence, I've been trying to gain control over myself again, b/c for a while I truly lost it....


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